When I Normalize Seeking Help From the Professionals and What Went Well for Me

Disclaimer: I am neither psychologist nor psychiatrist, I wrote this based on my experiences going to psychologists and hoping that this writing might be insightful for other people, especially those who really need it. I feel you :)

“You look fine, you look like having everything under control”, but am I really? Do they know the “distrubance” inside of me?

I personally do not understand where the notion comes from which makes us still try to conceal or deny our own mental health struggles. Growing up in a culture where we are not really equipped with life-skills to talk, identify, and differentiate emotions or feelings makes it even harder to process and familiarize what is going on inside “our system”. The conversation relate to mental health and well-being has not been a common topic without worrying about being seen and valued differently or somehow stigmatized. We cannot put aside the fact that every human being carries a different set of issues, baggages, traumas, you name it. I believe every individual also has different ways of overcoming their issues but maybe at some point, it will be a lot to handle which is so humane. The question is, what can we do about it? As many have said, “we do not have to be on the dead-end to seek for help”. So, what about try to seek for help and talking about it?

I have started to normalize asking for help, by seeing a psychologist since three years ago. I remember there were only three people in my life, then, who knew this. My mom, one of my closest friends, and my then-boyfriend, just to let them know I was in that particular phase. My core issues are revolving around and triggered by anxieties which I am aware of since I was a kid but struggled to overcome. I will not tell what was going on with me in details on this writings because that is not the objective why I am writing this, but at that point, I felt that talking to people who I trust simply was not enough. I felt like I need to work on myself and my issues, but did not understand where to start. It was not the lowest of the lowest, then again, I do not have to be completely drowning before I need to learn to swim, right? I noticed suddenly my issues would consumed me and affected the whole relationships I had back then, including with myself. I needed someone, who is absolutely the outsider and can give me some objectives responses. And of course, these people I talk to are knowing what they are doing and have spent their lives on learning and exploring human mental states.

Some people told me that finding a psychologist or therapist sometimes feels like finding a perfect match. No guarantee that you will find the most suitable one in a one go. I remember a friend of mine shares she needs to meet more than 3 therapists to finallly feel like the therapies worked out well on her. It did not stop me from looking for one(s) and I think I am lucky enough because two psychologists I have met are actually helping me, a lot. There are three important things that I have felt helping the process of finding and finally trusting these professionals:

• Be Open

“They will say somethings that I already know” or “Why we should pay strangers when we have our friends to listen to our stories”. I think I have heard that a lot (including from my own family) when people talk about going to see a therapist or psychologist. Yes, some of the things they will say probably are not grand and new things for you, you might have heard some of them a lot, but they can help you to actually understand it better and finally do it. We tend to stop exploring when we feel like we know things already where actually it needs to be followed up by actions too. Like I know theoretically I should take a breath when my anxiety hits, but how and what kind of breathing? That kind of question that I feel we need to explore further during counseling or therapy sessions. And understanding where and how to start is also something your psychologist or therapist will show you. I am not saying consider your psychologists or therapist as your friend, but be open just like talking to a friend might as well creates a conducive environment (and safe space) for you to share your issues. We learn to sit with and face our issues as well when we are opening ourselves. I think many peolpe have stated this, the beginning of ending our problems is when we accept that it is there. It might be different if you are at the states that also needing medication, but the first baby step you can do in order to allow your therapist understanding and finally providing the supports you need (either therapy or medications), is openness.

• They will not solve your problems, but you!

No, they will not give you every solution. At least from what I have experienced, my psychologists would try to help me identify and understand the roots of my problems. It is like untangling your brain knot or mixed-up emotions because you have been stuck while overthink until you really cannot see those issues clearly anymore. From there, my psychologist always reminds me that “I am here just to help and support you to understand better, with or without me, you will be capable of helping yourself after these sessions”. Because in the end, the most important relationship we have is a relationship with ourselves. The one that you can always depend on, is yourself. Doing counseling sessions will prep you the activities, tools, even ways of thinking on how you suddenly will try to trust yourself again and basically start doing what is the best for you on handling your issues. I think the key point of completing the whole counseling sessions is being self-reliant. You will get to know yourself better with hopefully refreshed point of view and you are “equipped” with resources relate to how to manage and handle yourself when the “crisis” comes.

• Be patience

Patience is definitely not my personal trait, believe me, but throughout the process, I have learned that I need to be patient with myself. I cannot keep forcing myself to stop feel certain emotions or to keep beating my mind with so many thoughts. This unlimited patience should be applied all the time, I guess. You cannot really aim for instant changes after you finish your sessions, it is not a magic trick. Value the process, embrace all the ups and downs, and be hopeful that everything will be paid off. You are in the progress of healing from wounds, so it needs process. One step at a time. Your body, mind, and feelings need compassions along the way. I think what I have also learned so far is that it is ok, at a certain point, you will need help again and come back to your counseling sessions. It makes sense, we keep evolving and evolving causes some discomfort and pains. Maybe the issues that I am bringing now are different with what I was going through years ago, but it can also be the same. I am accepting that I am having the drawbacks once in a while, the gloomy and dark days, the times when I need safe space and support again, and it is fine. Especially during this pandemic, especially during this time.

Just like finding a suitable psychologist or therapist, I think finding the proper “tools”, activities, or media also needs process. Fortunately, I got to meet the psychologist who are not preaching or lecturing and not just throwing me with some unexplainable solutions. They notice that what I really need is someone to listen, discuss, and to experiment with. My previous psychologist spent one session just to sit and listen to me. She did not directly “diagnose” what I had been through rather exploring how I feel about it. It is always the issues with me, when I know what I think about but having hard times on identifying my feelings towards the issues because what I felt is the overflown emotions I cannot control. I remember one of the psychologists mentions that someone who likes to analyze (ehm overthink as well on the weird timing, like before went to bed haha) and process things like me will need more than the “prescribed” tools to try on. Usually, he will start with some discussion on how I see things, what I feel, and what I want to do about it. My current sessions are more exploring what kind of tools or activities I have tried and I have done, sort of adjust and tweak it, and keep doing it.

Okay, so based on my own experiences, there are some practical “tools” that I have learned until now and somehow I have found it handy and useful whenever my anxiety attacks or I cannot control my emotions and thoughts.

P.S: Although it works on me, does not mean it will work on you, but that is not the point. I think the more options you have, the better chances you will find what suit you the best

• Breath, then be aware of anything surrounds you

I actually have heard and learned it years ago, to breathe deeply and to be aware of my present time and my surroundings. I remember my previous psychologist gave me this analogy about how to reduce my anxiety over uncertainty and expectations, “Just think this way. You tend to feel scared and worry of something that has not happened and also you do not really know it will be happening the way you project it on your mind. It is like you are in the middle of a jungle, scared because your friend says there is a tiger, but you actually have not seen it yourself.” The point is, to be present. The thing I had been suggested back then when I was triggered is to breathe softly and deeply. Then touch anything which will make you aware that you are here, alive. I always try this with water, either warm or cold, so I can differentiate the differences on the process of “feeling” it. Water soothes me and I actually can feel it slipping through my fingers. One of my psychologists explains that water is a good medium for loosening up your tensed muscles which are caused by stress or tensions.

This breathing technique is actually been discussed in my current sessions too, when we were talking about grounding and mindfulness. I have learned the breathing technique, let in-hold-let out-and rest within certain seconds. The number can be adjusted based on your breathing paced actually, because I have done it before without using the same patterns. But besides breathing and touching something, this grounding technique also activates your other senses. You can also try to hear all the sounds in your surroundings, smell any scents around you, or even taste something on your mouth. Basically it helps you to focus on what is happening now and aware of it. I am still experimenting with these techniques as it can be adjusted in any form using any of my senses, juts need to keep on trying especially when I definitely need to detach myself from any distress situations. It also trains my brain to slow down when I have this particular 5–10 minutes of focusing on myself. While doing this, it is also suggested to play on calming music to build the moments. I am not that type of person who has a very neat and contextual playlist, but I have been trying to listed down a list of music to listen to during these silent moments. (I cannot listen to songs with lyrics during this activity as what I have absorb and enjoy the most from a song are the lyrics, so instead of focusing on myself, I will be distracted)

• Write down a word or sentence in a paper and….burn it!

Maybe the most common thing some of you have already heard is journaling. It helps many people I have known, but somehow I always have difficulties committing on it, I am also wondering why. But after discussing this during one of my sessions, one of the most probable explanations that I need some activities that do not feel like a routine because I am that type of person who probably spends much of my time on planings and living in routines. “I think you need to be pulled out from something you have been familiar with, which is routine. Let’s tweak this”. So instead of writing paragraphs of how my day is, I write down some words which describe my feelings in a small paper, anytime I feel it, can be in a super random time. He suggests two things: tear it or burn it. When you tear the papers, you will also transfer the energy you have been using when you feel certain feelings. Yet “physically” the papers are still there. But when you are burning the papers, the process seems more symbolic like when you see it turns into ashes, it feels like the process of “I am releasing what has been holding me or making me stuck”. Other than writing, drawing can be options too. However, I like words and I always interested in understanding and analyzing symbols or semiotics, so of course, I choose to burn it. I have also learned that when I actually write it down, not type it on my phone or laptop, it feels more, relieving? Like the emotions is “transferred” through your handwriting when you physically do it, and you finally release it to the air when it burnt, if that makes sense? So meta, I know, but that is how I see it.

I have not really experimented with other tools or activities recently, but the plan is I am going to explore more on affirmative notes for myself too. Cannot really tell if that is going to work out but I feel like it is better an “oops” than a “what if”.

I hope my experiences can shed some light for those who are still wondering what people usually do during counseling or simply need another push. Although one experience will be different from another, I am pretty sure this psychology world will have the same ground and basic methods and will be adjusted based on the client’s needs. Let’s be optimistic that many therapists and psychologists out there never stop to explore and update their knowledge as “younger generations” (after the boomer I guess) is now more familiar with mental health and well-being. Moreover, counseling is now in a high demand because of the current situations.

Let’s normalize this, talking about mental health and well-being, because we, the civilization who is living now, are more privileged with all the sources of information and help we needed. Remind yourself, it is ok to feel helpless and need help, we are social creatures, we need one another. Please, reach out. I cannot promise you a brighter day afterward, I also cannot say I am in a stable mental-states myself now, but it is worth the try and you will see how much yourself can grow.

“Being awake means that you know what is happening within your field of awareness. Rather than blindly following your thoughts and feelings” — Haenim Sunim